No More

Today is the anniversary of the day my good, sweet, smart, big hearted friend left her abuser.

You know the kind of friend who holds you when you cry?  I sure hope you have that kind of friend.  She is that kind of friend.  You can call her in fear or frustration when things are scary or upsetting in your life, and she will manage to take the call in the middle of her work day and talk you off your ledge.

She is magic in the kitchen.  She creates whole meals from absolutely nothing at all.

She is wicked smart.  She finished her undergrad and graduate degrees while working full-time and raising two kids on her own.

She's someone you can laugh with. I have laughed harder with her than I knew I could.

My sweet, kind, amazingly talented friend was pregnant with her second and had a young child when she said no more. Eleven years ago today, she left the man who had fathered her children, built a life with her for years, and emotionally and physically abused her.  

She did not have resources, she did not have family support, she did not have money or a college degree.  It was years before she told anyone the truth, and even then it was years before she told more of her story.

I did not know her then, in those years.  I met her after, when she had made a life for herself and her children, when she was starting to tell her story.  

I never forget that I might not have met her. That without her decision eleven years ago, she might not be here.

So today we celebrate that anniversary.  Eleven years ago she said "no more".

If you want to celebrate with us, my friend suggests donating to her local domestic violence center.  She says "Instead of expressing sympathy or rage, please consider donating to Albion Fellows Bacon Center .  Click the "Donate Now" button.  If was all donated 1 hour of pay, we can make a huge difference!" 

I'm going to say that you can donate in your community, as well.  But just as important, I am going to ask you, today, to speak up.  

I have come to trust her and rely on my friend for many things, and one thing I never question is her sense when another woman is being abused.  She, who lived in shame for so long, is not afraid to see it. She is not afraid to name it. She is not afraid to say "this is not right".

My friend might not have been alive if she had not made that decision eleven years ago.  My heart breaks at that thought.  So, please, if you know a person who is living that nightmare, speak up.  Do you suspect that things aren't quite right?  Say something.  Do you know, without a shadow of a doubt, that what your friend deals with is emotional abuse?  Tell her.  

Silence is not helping your friend.  Silence says "this is okay".  It is not okay.

So today, I beg you to have the courage to speak up, to reach out, to risk a friendship in order to save a life.  Domestic violence lives everywhere. It's in the nice neighborhoods and it happens to people we know, people we love. 

Today, I wish you a happy and healthy Valentine's Day.  I wish you the gift of loving yourself.  I wish you a long life free from violence of any kind.  And I am thankful for the decisions, people, and interventions that brought my friend to a safe, happy life.



The National Domestic Violence Helpline

1-800-799-SAFE (7233)